People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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