I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
