the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
