i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
