I am puke
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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