dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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