Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
