Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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