I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
