he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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