i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
