I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
