apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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