Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize