I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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