I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Is it penis luge time yet?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
