I could make wine with my vomit
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize