if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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