I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
