i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
