Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
