made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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