I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I looked at my own cervix.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
