i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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