It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
