I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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