how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
