Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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