Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
