i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize