I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
