Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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