I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
