fuck your aforementioned shoe
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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