My boss' voice literally gives me gas
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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