That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
