Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
