Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
