Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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