did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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