oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just found a bag of teeth...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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