So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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