Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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