Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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