I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
