I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
its liver damage thursday
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
