I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
