1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
