allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
