Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
