Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize