he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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