the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
