you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I would fuck him just for his dog
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
