Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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