I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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