hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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