I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
