Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
