but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
