if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
