I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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