I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
