Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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