I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
