I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
