i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
