as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
