I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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