An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
