I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
